


Shouts and screams

by aishiterumo



Series: My personal Hematite [9]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Bang Chan & Lee Felix are Siblings, Childhood Trauma, Drunkenness, Gen, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Panic Attacks, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:27:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27563038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aishiterumo/pseuds/aishiterumo
Summary: Felix never really was a family guy. Never really liked them, but then comes the day the remains of his attachment just vanishes into thin air.
Series: My personal Hematite [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1839322
Comments: 1
Kudos: 10





	Shouts and screams

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: this work is part of a series 'My personal Hematite' which contains therapeutic works i wrote during some of my dark moments (panic attacks, depression episode, dissociation episode etc). i wrote these to help myself, they may not make any sense and are not related in any way. read with care, and be mindful of your comments. Thank you.

Felix wished for the walls to be thicker. He wished that doors could prevent the noises from going out. He wished for the shouts and screams to stop.

Sitting at the kitchen table, Felix waited until the music playing loudly in his headphones were loud enough to cancel the noise coming from upstairs. But Felix had this strange habit, stupid habit; whenever he heard a faint noise, he stopped the music, removed his headphones, and waited to check what the noise what. He thanked his little paranoiac side for this, hating it at the moment as whenever his mom shouted, he would stop the music that was solely there to make him forget about it. He tried to distract himself, scrolling through his twitter timeline, chatting with his friends online, only to be reminded of the shouts ever and ever again, spiralling in his head in the memories, unpleasant memories.

‘ **i scratched berry’s back and she went apeshit lol the fuck** ’ he typed into his friends’ group chat, laughing bitterly as he stared at the dog leaving the living room the check on her food bowl. He chuckled at a few of his friends’ answers, turning the volume a bit higher on his music.

It had started as a normal Saturday. He woke up with his mom giving him a small package he had received, only to spot the frown on her face. “What’s wrong?” he asked, only half curious—more to know if he could have a peaceful day than truly worried for his mom. She answered a cold _nothing_ that sounded nothing like a nothing should. _Won’t be a peaceful day_ , he thought as his mom left his room. But still, not like every other day were peaceful either. He just couldn’t bear his mom, despite all the good will he could put on trying. He despised all the noise she made when eating, or breathing, or how loud she snored that he could hear it even in his own room. He despised even more how she acted as she knew everything, that her knowledge was infinite and upon everyone. He despised both her and her character. So, even without her doing anything that could make him remotely in a bad mood, the sole fact that he had to hear her be alive, it made Felix’s blood boil to the point his days were ruined from the moment his eyes opened in the morning. Today, however, was even worse than he could have thought, but this time, she did something.

He heard her go to her bedroom, so, now alone, he took the time to fully wake up. Upon checking his phone, Felix realized it was noon. He didn’t sleep that much, as he fell asleep at dawn or maybe even later. His phone was blowing up with notifications, as it always did, it seemed. Checking a few important ones, answering his friends, he then looked at the small package his mom had given him. He knew it was the gift for his friends he had ordered few weeks prior; excitedly, he got up and opened it, checking it with a smile on his face. That’s when he heard it.

Faint sobs and heavy breathing, coming from the room next door. Because, of course, his mom’s bedroom was right next to his, only a wall separating them. And walls were thin. So thin. He heard her, sobbing, a bit louder every time. It was already infuriating enough, but a hard bite on his tongue and he sucked up his anger to go back on his bed and dive onto social media.

Felix wanted to forget, everything surrounding him and nothing specific at the same time. He just wanted for space and time to swallow him so he wouldn’t have to listen to his mom crying and going back and forth between her room and the bathroom.

‘ ** _what’s wrong with your mom?_** ’ he texted his brother.

‘ ** _idk why?_** ’ the latter answered, quickly as he always does.

‘ ** _dunno, she crying and stuff_** ’ His brother had always been closer to their mom, so if he wanted to know, that was the person to ask. He waited until the other answered again, closing his eyes for a moment so that he could forget about the noises.

‘ ** _her bf blocked her or sumn so she sad_** ’ Felix bitterly laughed at that, knowing that she claimed _not caring about him_ , and then her crying this hard for twenty minutes? It felt hypocritical.

‘ ** _and she angry bc u don’t help at home_** ’ His brother’s next text infuriated him. He wasn’t helping, when he was too busy studying, but she wasn’t _helping_ either just because she’d rather stay on the couch and eat nougats. Hypocrite.

‘ ** _k_** ’ he simply answered, too angry to continue the talk any further.

If it had stopped there, Felix would have called it a _meh_ day. But no. It kept going. To the point his day went _horrific_.

Felix went to the bathroom upstairs, only for his mom to need it at the same time. “I’m in the bathroom,” he had said, loud enough to be heard, when his mom stopped behind the bathroom door and was ready to open it—he heard her every move, anyway—only for her to grunt and go downstairs, in the other bathroom. Felix didn’t think much of it and went back to his bedroom, sitting at the edge of his bed as he pondered whether to stay on his bed or to go downstairs and _study_ on the kitchen table. Felix loved studying there, as it cancelled the distracting call of his bed. But at that moment, he hesitated. His mom was still downstairs, rummaging through cabinets, pounding on the floor with her feet as she cried. He needed to know where she was going to settle, so that he could, himself, settle on the opposite floor.

She went back upstairs, Felix hearing tickling sounds as she walked. His bedroom door open, he saw her, with a half-empty bottle of whiskey and her keys in one hand. He did hear her open the front door, probably to let their dog, Berry, out, but why did she still have her keys? She wasn’t walking that straight. “You ok?” he asked, not because he was worried, but because he needed to know if _he_ will be ok. She didn’t answer, or if she did, Felix didn’t hear her. But then, as she walked past her bedroom’s door, she started to mumble to herself, in Korean. Felix didn’t know much Korean, as he had lived in Australia all of his life, he never cared about learning his parents’ mother tongue—his, in a way. She closed the door, barely, walking towards her bed and she kept on mumbling louder and louder, still in Korean. Felix’s thoughts went spiralling as he understood the situation. She wasn’t just sad. She was sad to the point she drank and got drunk, in such a short time.

Felix took his laptop, his charger, his books and his phone, running downstairs to escape the sound of his mom yelling in Korean from her bed.

And there he is now, sitting at the kitchen table with his laptop open, headphones on his head, his dog now back inside and going from the chair next to him to his food bowl in hope food came miraculously. His mom was still shouting, pounding her feet onto the floor loudly, and his thoughts went wild.

As soon as Felix closes his eyes, the only thing he can see is the family house, his father drinking the nth glass of liquor and shouting at him for something he didn’t do. Felix opens his eyes quickly, chuckling to himself, awkwardly. He doesn’t want to go back there.

‘ **lix can i ask for help on sumn or ur not in the mood?** ’ his friend sends on the group chat.

‘ **ask away. It’s distracting me** ’ and he means it.

The thought of leaving his mom alone to go to his brother’s house is getting more and more tempting. Two streets to cross and his house is there. One shout a bit too loud and Felix takes his phone, typing on it almost instantly.

‘ ** _u home?_** ’ He wished for his brother to answer by the affirmative.

‘ ** _yea. why, u coming?_** ’ And Felix takes a bit too long to answer. ‘ ** _call me_** ’ his brother sends.

Felix calls him, wondering why he asked him to call. But Felix knows. Somehow, he knows.

“Why did you want me to call?”

“What’s wrong?” His brother’s voice isn’t tainted with worry. He isn’t ready for what Felix is going to say.

“Your mom’s drunk, and crying, and talking to herself.” He doesn’t go on about how it makes him think back to their drunken dad, to his traumatic childhood memories. He keeps quiet.

“Wanna come?” Felix wants to say yes so bad, but there’s something keeping him stuck on his chair.

“I need to study. It’s noisy at your place.”

“You can study in my bedroom.” There’s a short silence. “If you need to study, in a quiet room, you can use my bedroom,” his brother explains as if Felix hadn’t understood the first time.

“If in fifteen minutes she hasn’t calmed down, I will,” Felix finally says as he stares at the clock on his laptop.

He hangs up, putting his headphones back on and staring at his screen again. He isn’t studying. He’s just staring at his webmail, refreshing the page every now and then, hoping for something to appear. Not an e-mail, but motivation, a solution, anything. Anything, that will never appear on his laptop screen.

‘ ** _I’ll come, prepare some coffee_** ’ his brother texts him a few minutes later. Felix is relieved, in a way. At least, he won’t be alone suffering in front of his laptop.

_Knock Knock_.

Felix opens the door, a small smile already on his face as he stares at Chan.

“How is she?”

“Your coffee’s ready,” Felix answers instead. He doesn’t want to talk about her.

The older boy ignores the lack of answer, stepping inside the house and sitting at the kitchen table, in front of his coffee. Felix sits back in front of his laptop, a cup of coffee next to it.

It’s alright as long as Chan is sitting at the kitchen table and chatting with him. But then, there’s a loud thud coming from upstairs and Chan leaves. As the good boy he is, he runs upstairs, and Felix is forced to listen to him as he talks to her. He’s forced to hear her shout in Korean back to his face.

Chan comes back and sits at his place, sipping on his coffee with his phone in the other hand.

“What happened?” Felix questioned. He’s just too curious for his own good.

“She fell off her bed.”

That’s the end of the conversation.

Until there’s noise coming from upstairs again, and Chan leaves, _again_. Felix is fine on his own, staring at his laptop screen. If only there were no noise.

“Lix!” His brother shouts from upstairs. “Can you come? With a large bowl or something?”

Felix sighs, thinking for a second as to where he could find that.

“Quick.” Chan shouts.

“Yeah, yeah, wait.” Felix takes a bucket from the bathroom downstairs. “I can’t go faster than—” He doesn’t end his sentence, not knowing what he wanted to say in the first place.

He climbs the stairs, not as fast as Chan would have wanted, going all the way to his mom’s bedroom and handing the bucket to Chan, who stares at him with a _are you serious_ kind of look. Felix just shrugs, leaving the room, but not quick enough that he’s forced to hear his mom puking into the bucket—or at least gagging, he doesn’t want to know if she actually puked or not.

He then goes back in front of his laptop, his brother taking care of their mom. But he can still hear it. Hear it all. Chan talking. Her puking. Her crying. Her breathing heavily. Her shouting in Korean. Her. He can still hear her. And the more he does, the more he hears her, the more he gets trapped in his head, with him.

_“It’s your fault he left!” Bam! “And you, you never talk!” Bing! “It’s your fault my parents don’t like me!” Bang! “It’s your fault I’m in debt! That I don’t have any money!” Boom!_

Felix is forced to live it again, to hear it again, to stare at his laptop screen with the scene playing in his head; his father drinking, shouting, yelling, throwing things, making everyone responsible for his own mistakes, cursing, punching, pushing, screaming. Felix stares blankly at his screen, cold sweat and shivers all over his body. The room feels hot, too hot, but Felix feels cold. So cold, he wants to wrap himself in a blanket.

“She fucking pissed herself!” Chan laughs as he sits back next to him. And Felix laughs, but he doesn’t want to laugh.

Hearing her, Felix can’t help but think it’s the last straw.

He doesn’t want to deal with her anymore. She isn’t family. She isn’t the good sweet mother she should have been. And she never has. But there? Right here, right there, that’s the last straw, and Felix can’t take it anymore. Disgust, that’s the only thing that comes to his mind when thinking about her. It isn’t even hatred, he’s just… Felix is disgusted. That isn’t a mother. That isn’t how a mother should behave. That isn’t… That isn’t even how a normal adult being should react, upon a situation as childish as this. Because Felix learned a few more things. New things.

His mom’s boyfriend didn’t _block her_. No, he just texted her saying they couldn’t see each other for two days because he _wasn’t feeling well_. And her paranoid brain convinced her he was _cheating_. And, well, fair enough to think so when her whole family has history of men cheating. Her father cheated on her mother, her first husband cheated on her, her second husband—Felix and Chan’s, sadly, father—cheated on her, a few of her ex-boyfriends cheated on her… Yes, it’s fair to think of that possibility. But to the point of drinking, and crying, when claiming you _don’t care about him_? Felix’s mind is beyond blown. Stupid. Pathetic. That’s how he would define this whole situation, right now.

Lost in his own thoughts, Felix doesn’t register it when Chan goes upstairs again. He only finds himself alone again, discarded cups of coffee and Berry on the chair his brother was occupying. For a second, he wishes he hallucinated it all. But then his mom shouts in Korean again and he feels like bursting into tears.

He wants to. He wants it so badly. To just cry. Cry his heart out. But no. He’s forced to stare at his empty webmail, no expression on his face as his ears picks up every shout and every scream leaving his mother’s mouth, to turn it into his father’s voice. It then gets mixed up in his head, and Felix finds himself hearing both of his parents, shouting words he can’t understand. At this exact moment, Felix really wants to disappear, and to never hear their voices again. At this exact moment, Felix considers himself an orphan.

**Author's Note:**

> find more work on my [twitter](https://twitter.com/softflowermin) :]  
> you can also ask question related to my works on my [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/softflowermin)!


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